But God...

"I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning toilets.  I live tired.  Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough?"  .... Quote from Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" book.  So echo many of these things... not the living afraid but pretty much everything else at some time or another resounds in my life. Thankful there is always a "But God...".  But God...works grace in my life to stop me in my tracks of yelling at children to humble myself and apologize to them and ask them for forgiveness for my harshness and pray with me that God would fill mommy with gentleness.  But God....who works to confront bitterness and root it out.  But God....who works to move me beyond myself, to not demand my own way, or when I am demanding my own way to show me the light and correct my steps.  But God....who is faithful, who will spur others on to pray for me, and wake me up early when I have been failing to get up on my own.  But God....who despite my weariness, can enable me to serve in the strength He provides.   Looking forward to the "But God"'s that will come in this next month of craziness as we pioneer our way across a foreign land with less than fluent language skills and plant ourselves in a new and dark place....a place without the hope of the Gospel...a place that doesn't know Jesus.  Thankful the power of Jesus abounds in our lives and we are not alone in this.  Thankful the power of Jesus gives us everything we need for life and godliness. Thankful the power of Jesus will accomplish the purposes for which he brought us to this land and is sending us to this new city.  Thankful the power of Jesus does not ask me to change the world but simply to be obedient to take up my cross and follow Him.  And really thankful He helps me carry my cross as I follow Him because the Lord knows that I can not bear the cross in my own strength....He walketh beside me and His yoke is easy and His burden is light!  How freeing! ....

Current of divine grace

The mornings and I have a love/hate relationship.  I am NOT a morning person by nature but rather a late-nighter however, with 3 kids four and under I need to rise early if I am going to get any decent time in at the feet of Jesus.  Lately, my rising early has been thwarted...an alarm clock that wouldn't ring, me staying up late to get things done, me being lazy to simply not get up.  But someone has been praying!  This morning I awoke at 4:30 without an alarm clock bright eyed and bushy-tailed....ok minus the tail but I knew I better not try to go back to sleep or I would not wake again at the desired 5:30.  Whomever you are, keep praying that the Father would awake me to be with Him (but maybe more like 5:30) :)  I got a workout in to get my brain juices flowing and then coffee and time in the Word.  I read this from Spurgeon this morning:

        The streams of living water which flow from Jerusalem are not dried up by the parching heats of sultry midsummer any more than they were frozen by the cold winds of blustering winter.  Rejoice, O my soul, that thou art spared to testify of the faithfulness of the Lord.  The seasons change and thou changest, but thy Lord abides evermore the same, and the streams of his love are as deep, as broad and as full as ever.  The heats of business cares and scorching trials make me need the cooling influences of the river of His grace; I may go at once and drink to the full from the inexhaustible fountain, for in summer and in winter it pours forth its flood.  The upper springs are never scanty, and blessed be the name of the Lord, the nether springs cannot fail either.  Elijah found Cherith dry up, but Jehovah was still the same God of providence. Job said his brethren were like deceitful brooks, but he found his God an overflowing river of consolation.  The Nile is the great confidence of Egypt, but its floods are variable; our Lord is evermore the same.  By turning the course of the Euphrates, Cyrus took the city of Babylon, but no power, human or infernal, can divert the current of divine grace.  The tracks of ancient rivers have been found all dry and desolate, but the streams which take their rise on the mountains of divine sovereignty and infinite love shall ever be full to the brim.  Generations melt away, but the course of grace is unaltered.  The river of God may sing with greater truth than the brook in the poem..."Men may come, and men may go, but I go on forever."  How happy art thou, my soul, to be led beside such still waters! Never wander to other streams.

"No power...can divert the current of divine grace".   This was good to read this morning and the many times I look over the Tigris river in the near future I will again be reminded that God is a river of consolation, a current of unaltered divine grace, a spring that does not dry up, faithful through drought, storm or harvest, abundant - not scanty; inexhaustible.  How great to serve a God who is inexhaustible and full of grace and power! It makes going forth into the unknown easier knowing that upon this rock HE WILL BUILD HIS CHURCH!

Confessions of a sinful heart

Today my home was not a nest...it was not a harbor for happiness.... today I woke up sick and decided I didn't want to be a mother today...I didn't want to deal with the constant whining of my children...homeschool, meetings, language, neighbors, marriage, messes around the house.... I decided that I deserved a day off, a day to indulge my flesh and "rest".  The TV is never on but today my children were mothered by "Sesame Street" this morning, and they were fussed at by me.  But mothers cannot take a day off... during nap time I picked up a book which said "If you are a mother, you have a calling from God.  God entrusts into your care a life, a future, a piece of what the world will become.  You become part of the solution or part of the problem that faces us today." - Jean Fleming.   Why is it that we think sickness is an excuse to sin? Why is it that I think I deserve anything? If my children are a piece of what the world will become and my mothering helps effect the outcome why on earth would I want to wish that away?  Most days I look at my children in awe and wonder of the blessing that they are, most days I relish time with them, most days I can't wait to start our homeschool lessons, I love making nutritious meals for them, taking much care with their environment and what they are exposed to in this world....but not today...today I wanted out....today I wanted an escape...today I had to ask my children for forgiveness.... to forgive me for my unkind, angry, selfish heart that was not gentle with them.... they forgave me as they always do and prayed with me that God would change my wicked heart and enable me to be gentle like Christ, but I can't help but wonder what impression my sinful actions left on my children.  We can forgive, unfortunately we can not usually forget.  When my children are old and grown I do not want their remembrance of me to be a mommy who got angry, who expected perfection, was OCD on organization and was cutting with her tongue.... oh that I would be a mommy who has kindness on her tongue, gentleness in her touch and who makes all of life an exciting adventure! Pray with me for this.

Queen Mother

the good fight

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" 2 timothy 4.7

Yumm, I just love 1 & 2 Timothy... sat down and was reading a little from "come away my beloved" while trying out a soy latte that I made myself (not sure if i can forgo milk for soymilk in my coffee but maybe) anyways this is the point.... I read this: "Lord Jesus, I cast myself at your feet. Let me bathe them in tears, for my feet have been like lead. They have been weighed down with the cares of this life. I have been like one in a dream who seeks to run and is held paralyzed. Set me free, Omnipotent Lord, and make me Your glad and willing bond slave. Free my feet and make them swift to do your bidding. Loose my tongue to shout Your praise. Free my heart to love the lost with the great deep compassion of Jesus Christ. Free my affections and nail them to Your cross! Amen."
Oh if that is not the cry of my heart! until yesterday I was just this, held paralyzed by my cares of the world. But God was so faithful yesterday to break my heart and shift my focus back to the cross, back to the point of my very existence. Back to warrior training, back to the Lord's boot camp. We are in a battle folks..."we have but one life to live, this life will soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last". Catch these words to my favorite song "a voice calling out" by Bethany Dillion (still trying to find a way to get it to play automatically when you open the blog so if any readers have some pointers let me know!)
I hear a voice calling out
I hear a voice in this wilderness
Where darkness has reigned for so long
Ground is being taken

The trumpet sounds
and your glory touches the ground
and we all stand in awe
Who is this?
This glory far beyond us
I hear a voice

I hear a drum beating
heaven's drawing near
the sky will open
your people are being healed
I hear a voice

heaven's battle cry
Rise
see the sun light what was hidden
Heaven's heart beat
See is moving
what was a whisper is now
a voice calling out

i see a generation rising up
no longer accepting lies
running to the battlefield
and losing their lives

I see a generation rising up
no longer accepting lies
as a band of worshipers run to the battlefield
They're finding their lives
I hear a voice

(sigh) Beautiful!!! RUNNING TO THE BATTLEFIELD....losing their lives.... yet FINDING their lives!!! Oh that I may RUN to the battlefield. that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. HIS OWN... forgetting what lies behind and pressing forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Phil 3:10-14) "the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers." 1 Peter 4:7 Journal entry yesterday: "I am so easily focused on me and my wants and my comforts that I forget the end of all things is near and billions will soon perish without You and in light of that my comfort does not matter.... I have lost the urgency of the gospel. For what do I think you are sending me to the ends of the earth for? a travel adventure with great views and plush seating? NO! NO! the end of all things is at hand -> Go into all the world and preach the Gospel -> Repent sinners. Christ died to purchase your hope, your assurance of salvation, your life that is to be lived for him and through Him alone. He died and purchased so that you may ask and receive. He died to set you free from self and the demands that self places on you. Sister He died to set you free from looking like her or being just like her or needing the praise of others or having to have x,y, & z to be happy... Christ died to give you everything.... namely Himself, so that He is all you need. So your hope and happiness could be founded in Him and not things, your comfort could be kneeling before Him - sitting at His feet, dwelling in His presence. Your quest could be that others may know Him, your rest could be when you draw near to Him and ultimately only when He takes you home after completing that for which He sent you. Are you about the Lord's work? doing that for which He sent you? Do you realize why He redeemed you? Proclaiming all that He purchased for you? asking for all that He purchased for you? seeking that which He purchased for you? Oh that I may know Him and the power of His death and resurrection and what that means for me"
So thankful the Lord has rescued my thinking, rescued me from myself, my sin which is my greatest enemy, my sin which would drown me were it not for Christ...I know that my Redeemer lives! Let us Praise Him!

Queen Mother

Musings from a thankful heart

I am thankful that the Lord is faithful to do in me what He demands from me.  I am thankful that instead of making life easy, He makes it hard in order that patience, endurance and strength will be cultivated in me.  I am thankful that even in the midst of calamity, persecution and pain, Jesus was GENTLE  and thus I have a model to follow.  I am thankful that when I do not know what to do, my eyes can be upon Him because He does know!  I am thankful that when I do not know what lies ahead, He does know the plans He has for  me and He says in His word that those plans are good! I am thankful that He can give peace that surpasses all understanding, guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus and change both to sing His praises instead of my complaints.  I am thankful that God changes hearts, that He draws people to Himself, that He makes all things new.  I am thankful for Jesus, thankful that He took the wrath that I deserved and nailed it to the cross with Himself in my place.  I am thankful that when I sin for the umpteenth time in the same way, that Jesus reminds me of the blood that washes me clean and allows me to approach the throne of grace with confidence knowing that He paid for that sin and I am forgiven, I am free to sing, free to dance, free to pursue putting on gentleness in place of my ugliness instead of being tied down with guilt.  I am thankful that I am called to be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and thanksgiving to make my requests known to God .... anxious for nothing! What freedom is in that call! Oh that I may walk in it!  I am also thankful for coffee :)